


it isn't always black and white

by wearethedreamersofdreams



Series: she is the universe [5]
Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Gen, Thirteen Fanzine, Time war (mentioned), not Black and white, prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-07
Updated: 2020-06-07
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:42:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,811
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24593980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wearethedreamersofdreams/pseuds/wearethedreamersofdreams
Summary: “You think I loved doing that? Hm? You think I made the decision lightly? Or that I was giggling in glee doing what I did to end this horrendous war that had been raging on all through time and space? I’d seen civilisations fall and empires rise and trust me they were not the good ones. This war was raging on and on and on and every single day I still carry that decision with me, and it shows me again and again that everything is not always black and white!”
Series: she is the universe [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1772701
Kudos: 18





	it isn't always black and white

**Author's Note:**

> last one of the thirteen fanzine prompts
> 
> "its not always black and white"

“It’s not always black and white!” The Doctor yelled. The tone of frustration was clear to the three humans present in the control room. Ryan and Graham looked well chastised and not sure what to respond, while Yaz couldn’t help but flinch away at the sudden outburst of the Doctor.

It had been a quiet day, which mostly consisted of the Doctor doing some quick repairs to the TARDIS and the fam exploring the many rooms the TARDIS had. They were having fun, and it was all good until at some point, they had ended up in a huge library of some sort.

The Doctor had only explicitly told them to stay out of the workshop, not because she was afraid that they would find something bad, more because there were loads of things laying around that could be dangerous for humans.

But this was the library, and the Doctor hadn’t said anything about it, so Yaz was the first one inside, shortly followed by Graham and Ryan.

What they found was rows upon rows upon rows of books in bookcases, going as high as the ceiling. From where the fam was standing, it looked endless. They found all kinds of books in all kinds of languages, some where English, and some where in the circular language that could also be found around the TARDIS, which the fam assumed was the Doctor’s native tongue. There were books of all sorts, sci fi, history, at some point Ryan found the Hunger Games, looking quite worn and well read. Yaz couldn’t help but imagine what it would look like if the Doctor were reading that. Although considering the Doctor tried to keep up with what was happening on Earth, it shouldn’t come as that much of a surprise.

While both Ryan and Graham where still looking around, Yaz found a thick book on a table in a corner of the library that could be only described as a reading corner. The chairs around the table looked comfy, and Yaz couldn’t help but feel some sort of attraction towards the book to investigate it.

When she had sat down and picked up the book, to her surprise she could read the title. The cover of the book looked heavy but was beautiful. Stars and constellations were covering the book, and on the front to her surprise it had a familiar name.

_The Doctor_

Yaz frowned, and picked up the book, as she had expected it was quite heavy to the touch, but that didn’t stop her from picking it up and sitting down on one of the chairs.

She started to read, and the first thing she noticed was that the book was written all about the Doctor, and something which was called the Time War. Obviously, the Doctor was still a man back then, whatever that may mean. Yaz couldn’t help but wonder how much they really knew about their alien friend.

The Doctor had alluded plenty of times to the fact that she was old, incredibly old. But she never completely said what her exact age was.

Then again, she mentioned plenty of times as well that keeping track of the time in the TARDIS was hard sometimes so she might not even _know_ how old she was.

Yaz kept reading, and the further she got the heavier the subject seemed to get. She wasn’t daft. She knew something called a Time War would be a heavy subject, but she hadn’t expected the death that was following her friend.

For someone who was such a pacifist, this book didn’t seem to do that any reason.

_The only way the Doctor saw fit to end the Time War, was by killing both sides. By killing the Daleks, he’d also kill the Time Lords. Which in extent means he’d commit a genocide._ Yaz frowned and started to read that again.

_Commit a genocide._

That would mean… she was sure the Doctor wasn’t a Dalek; she had seen them and unless her friend was good at hiding her tentacles, she was sure the Doctor wasn’t _that._

But the Doctor also had never said what kind of species she was, so that would mean… that the Doctor was a Time Lord, and that she… she had killed her own species? Yaz had to swallow at that, she wasn’t sure what to think of that.

“Why are you looking like that, Yaz?” Ryan said, while he and Graham made their way out of one of the long rows of bookcases. Yaz just turned the book around on the table and started to pace the length of the room they were in. She could see the moment both had read the same lines that had stopped Yaz from continuing with the book.

“You read it as, well right? You read what it said about the Doctor committing genocide on her own people? You know what, I’m sick of not getting the answers that we deserve.” Yaz stopped and started to walk back towards the console room where she was sure she would find the Doctor. Vaguely she heard both Graham and Ryan protest and tell her to stop before she would make the Doctor angry, but she was ignoring both.

Yaz entered the console room and spotted the Doctor immediately across from her bend over a lever of some sort, the Doctor looked up and started to say something, but couldn’t even start because Yaz started to say what she wanted to say.

“You killed your own people? You killed your own people just to end a war? What kind of person are you really Doctor? Who kills their own people, their _family?_ You can’t go around telling us not to use any weapons when you did _that!”_ Yaz watched the Doctor go from being all smiles to being silent and stoic, at that exact moment both Graham and Ryan had entered the console room as well. As if that wasn’t enough, Yaz grabbed the Doctor’s suspenders while looking her straight in the eye.

“You killed your own people, your own _family?!_ Kids and adults and you have the audacity to walk around like you have the right to tell people to stop killing each other?” As sudden as Yaz had started, she realized she was also way out of line to say this. She wasn’t sure where it had come from. Was this all just anger because their friend had lied to them?

“I…Doctor, I…” The Doctor had gone quiet and turned away from the fam. She was holding the consoles so tight that her knuckles were turning white.

“Doctor…” If the Doctor was an animal, the fam was sure she had been growling before she erupted into her speech.

“You think I loved doing that? Hm? You think I made the decision lightly? Or that I was giggling in glee doing what I did to end this horrendous war that had been raging on all through time and space? I’d seen civilisations fall and empires rise and trust me they were not the good ones. This war was raging on and on and on and every single day I still carry that decision with me, and it shows me again and again that everything is not _always black and white!”_ The Doctor yelled. The tone of frustration was clear to the three humans present in the control room. Ryan and Graham looked well chastised and not sure what to respond, while Yaz couldn’t help but flinch away at the sudden outburst of the Doctor.

“I’ve lived the rest of my life with that decision and it still haunts me to this day, to kill the daleks meant to kill my home. To let the Daleks live, meant the end of time as we knew it. And then, even then there were so many more decisions I made that where neither black, nor white. They were always these grey areas that never would please everyone. I’m no saint, and I never said I was, but that decision was mine to make and I still live with it every single day. Now, get out of my TARDIS. Before I do something I regret. I have plenty of regrets already to live with.” The Doctor was leaning over the console, looking spent and _lost._ Yaz wanted to say something, but Graham shook his head and grabbed her elbow, pulling her away from the Doctor and away from the TARDIS, Ryan following behind.

Yaz should have known better, being a copper meant that some of the decisions she made where not always met with agreement.

Yaz should have known better that the situation wasn’t always _black and white._

Later, much later, when the fam had gone to Graham’s to sit it out over a cup of tea, there had been a timid knock on the door, and to their surprise it was the Doctor. Having this _Haunted_ look in her _eyes_ and a timid semi smile on her face.

“Hey fam.” Was the first thing she whispered, while entering the sitting room, both Ryan and Yaz having a surprised look on their face.

“I’m sorry for…” Yaz just shook her head and took the Doctor in a hug, hoping that at least this might chase the _inner demons_ away. Even if it was just for a little while. Ryan and Graham shrugged and joined into one big family hug. The Doctor couldn’t help but smile through her tears while being hugged by her fam.

“Some days I feel like I’m _running out of time_ and then I forget about all the lives I might have changed, for better or for worse. But the Time War is my biggest regret. Somewhere along the line I had promised my people not to resort to killing anyone to end the war, but then when all the grey areas weren’t the plans I could use, I had to do it. And in the back of my mind I could hear them say _what happened to our promise._ I know this might not be what you want to hear at all, especially because there’s much _much_ more to tell about the Time War. But I need time to sort out what I can and cannot tell. And please, give me that time. I will tell you more, but not now.” Yaz just nodded her head, glad the Doctor hadn’t gone of on a tangent on her own to never return to them again. Yaz hugged the Doctor again.

“Now the reason I came back for you guys wasn’t just to say sorry, but also because I might need you for a little thing that has been going on.” The fam was looking at each other at how fast the Doctor sometimes adjusted her mood.

“Who wants to go on a _space heist_ with me?”

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for going on this bender of a writing excercise with me! Now that I've gotten back into the flow of writing I might do some more in the future for Doctor who.  
> In this linktree are some links for some places you can find me, don't shy away to talk to me! I'm decently fun (sometimes).  
> https://linktr.ee/JenniferOh
> 
> did I hide all the prompts of this week in the last part of the story? I might have *shrugs*


End file.
